That girl is gone now

Well…it’s finally time to get back to this. I’ve been out of it for a few months…traveling with my love, and just trying to get things to slow down. Now that I’m home every day, still looking for work…it seems like the prime time to get back into a writing groove. I’m not sure where to start…the adventures of Nick and I can be read on www.myheartdivided.blogspot.com. I haven’t posted them yet…but will be sure to soon. But as anyone who reads this blog knows…this is the blog for my dad, and it’s all about him.

                We finally had my dad’s funeral last month. It’s been almost a year since he passed, but it took some time to get the family together in the same place. It was an experience that I knew would be hard…but still wasn’t quite prepared for. It’s still bothering me a little bit…and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking about him. I have these really vivid dreams where I feel like I’m talking to him, and then something startles me awake. It takes a few minutes sometimes to realize that he’s not really there, and to come back to reality.

                But it’s over now I suppose. Recovery from everything that happened with him certainly isn’t…and probably never will be. But there’s no more questioning everything with him, no more suspense in waiting to say goodbye, and no more having to worry about keeping a family together. My father wasn’t the only family member I lost at that funeral…and that’s really unfortunate.

                I have spent years being told that I’m less of a person because I cut my father out of my life. I have been lied to, manipulated, and hurt by people that are supposed to be “loving family”. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way…just how deceitful they were. But I have learned…and now that my father is gone, I really have no reason to force some fake relationship because it’s “family”.

                Family isn’t blood…and I fully believe that now. Yes, there are blood relationships, but that doesn’t make someone family. You don’t lie to family, you don’t trick family, and you don’t purposely hurt family. You love them unconditionally. And I have to say, there are a lot of people in this world that I consider closer to me than my actual “family”. As for my mom’s side…that’s how a family should be. They support each other, they love no matter what, and they forgive. They accept everyone, and only want the best for everyone involved in any situation. They tell the truth…even if it isn’t something you want to hear. They pick each other up when something goes wrong, and they do it with full support of one another. Sadly, none of those are things I can say about my dad’s side. Other than a select few people that seem to have escaped that toxic environment…I don’t trust any of them.

                So the funeral was a big day for me. It was the final goodbye to my father, the final closure that I needed. But it was also a goodbye to that side of me. The side of me that was damaged beyond repair…and that had to watch her back around those that were supposed to love her. That girl is gone now…and so are the people that tried so hard to keep her around.