Baby steps

This "daddy issues" life never gets easier.

Every day things set you back and kind of kick you when you're down.

Holiday time...that kick gets a little more brutal. Stupid things eat at you to your core.

But tonight I'm focusing on really basic baby steps.

The situation is never going to change. I am always going to feel that void where my father should be. Only I get to decide what comes of it.

Merry Christmas <3

She's still mine

As I sat down to finally type all of the things that have been in my head lately..."She Used To Be Mine" came on. A song that I am so BEYOND in love with. It hits me hard in the gut...look it up if you don't know it.

I came here to talk about how terrible of a friend I have been...and how crappy I feel about my inability to keep up with anyone else right now. This is such an insane time in my life...that I'm not giving anyone the amount of attention that they deserve. I thought about a friend today and almost texted her. Want to know why I didn't? Because I was so afraid we would start talking about something or that I would let her down by then disappearing again for two weeks. Unintentionally...but it almost seemed easier and better for both of us for me to wait.

But this song reminded me again...bring back the fire. Bring back the damn badass attitude I usually have. This month has been SO crazy. I have a ten page paper due...well...in less than 24 hours and I'm sitting here writing instead because I feel like my brain needed a chance to unload.

THIS MONTH.

I don't even know how to process this month in my head. There have been so many things going on...but one in particular that I want to talk about.

I quietly started a business back in February or March of this year. We had been using oils in our household for almost 3 years and we had seen what they accomplished for our family. I was able to learn to balance myself and my mental status without medications. Which if anyone knows me...well you will understand what that meant to me. I stopped needing antibiotics and steroids every month...and was able to cut it down to a few times a year. My baby has never been on antibiotics. Do you understand that? A baby with a mom who has 0 immune system...is going on almost TWO YEARS of never needing antibiotics. Take that as you will.

But that wasn't my point. Here's my point.

Over the last few years...I have lost some friends. Every day I am learning more and more to cut out toxic people and stop giving them these huge parts of me. I'm learning to focus my energy on the people that deserve it...and that give me the same amount of energy. But honestly as the year started...I was feeling so alone. SO alone. New mom...school...work full time...never seeing my husband...I just felt like I was killing myself and losing who I was. I was struggling with PPD...literally just everything felt like an uphill battle and I was so so tired.

Then some time around that time...I lost one of my jobs. Half of my paycheck down the drain.
It. Murdered. Me.
I'm not sure I've never felt so panicked.

So I finally said screw it. I tried out this business (yea you're thinking, so you added something ELSE to your plate???). But what I found was SO much more. I got a business (which I will address in a minute)...and I got three best friends. I got a purpose...and I got something that I enjoy doing.

I felt like every day I was accomplishing something. Making people healthier, giving them relief from things they had been struggling with, introducing some of them to a business too. Everything about it just made me feel so good.

I found three people from different parts of my life...and we became SO close. We talk EVERY single day. We share big news with each other before we tell anyone else. We laugh, we make fun of each other, we cry...they are seriously my best friends. I wish we had had the chance to get closer earlier in life...because I've never felt quite so supported as I do with them in my corner.

This month...we were expected to hit around $2500 in sales total. We are topping out around $5500. We more than DOUBLED our business in a matter of days. And if you don't understand what some determined women can do when they buckle down...you should see our numbers.

I haven't pulled my head out of my computer or phone in days. And tomorrow we start all over again. But I am SO proud...and SO thankful to be a part of a strong team of women...of my best friends.

I don't know how better to explain it other than just saying I feel empowered again. I feel good about what I'm doing every day, I feel proud of what we have built, and I feel like I have a huge future to look forward to.

We are working so hard. If I'm not doing homework, I'm at the office. If I'm not at the office, I'm working at home. If I'm not working at home I'm cleaning, chasing a toddler, driving taxi for the teenager, or SLEEPING.

So if you take nothing else from this writing...take this. I am sorry. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend. Know that I truly care, and that I am working my ass off right now so that one day soon I will be able to take all the time I need for my family, and for my friends. I am in survival mode. I'm killing it...but I'm just inches away from failure. There is no time for second guessing or relaxing. There will be...it just isn't now.

I'm doing my best. And sometimes my best isn't that great.

Do me a favor and grant me some grace in the meantime.

And a quick side bar for those that are watching from a distance. Yea. You. The person that comes here, reads, and then turns around to talk about how ridiculous I am...and how this blog is stupid. I see you. I see what you are doing. I hear about it.

But please know something. This isn't about you. It's not about your opinion. Hatred builds hatred...and I don't have the time for it. 

Don't send something once a year about how much you care...like you have somehow missed us...when you've never met my children. Don't have a conversation one minute about how "messed up" I am...and then pull a crocodile smile when you see me. 

I don't know it all. But I know you and I know your type. I was manipulated for over 20 years of my life...I can promise you I won't allow it to continue.

"It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used to be, although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy, but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine"

So cheers to:

 Snapchat filters,

wine,

and 10 page papers...

That happen to be due the same day as my deadline at work and in my business.

Oh and cheers to this chick...who blogs instead of doing what she's supposed to be doing.

Lose Yourself

I feel lost a lot lately. I am constantly running and trying to keep everyone on track. 

Between the kids, the house, school, work, my business...girl can't keep anything straight.

It's a hard thing to constantly feel like you are failing in every aspect. Teachers tell you to get really good at a couple of things...they tell you to emphasize your strengths. They tell you NOT to try and do it all...because that's just not possible.

Part of me loves it. I work best in the face of adversity and stress. The things that I can accomplish on a day to day basis when I have to...is nothing short of ridiculous.

But I'm not really happy. I feel like I'm always drowning...and my child isn't getting the best version of me that she could. She deserves better and I deserve better.

I've been thinking that maybe it is time for me to lose myself...but intentionally. Maybe it's time to take off some of the ridiculous pressure to be perfect. Lose the extra stress and expectations...to try and learn how to just exist again. I don't know how to relax...I don't know how to just quietly be happy with the little things.

More park visits with my girl. Less cleaning.

More coffee with friends. Less working through lunch breaks.

More time with family. Less constant refreshing of my email.

It's not my job to take care of everyone all the time. It's not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy at all times.

I'll do what I can. 

But not at the expense of ME.

Struggle

I don't play "pretty" on this blog.

It is what it is...I am what I am.

And right now I am struggling hard.

I can't explain it more than that...I'm just struggling.

Life is swirling in a whirlwind around me and I'm just trying desperately to stay afloat.

But in the middle of that chaos today I was reminded of something.

I am a warrior.
I am a badass.
I have overcome more than a lot of people understand.

I am doing my damndest...even if I suck at it.

I'm struggling and it's no secret.
But I want better.

Panic attack- I don't think it means what you think it means

Sitting here at my desk, trying to eat lunch...and suddenly something is terribly wrong.

I mean sweat on the back of my neck, heart racing, watching the doorway, heavy chest...something is really really wrong.

Ever had that feeling when your intuition is SCREAMING that you need to DO something? Someone is hurt, you forgot something really important, one of your kids is in danger? Or the feeling when you see a car flying through a red light headed right towards you?

That's the feeling we're talking about. Without the ability to process fight or flight. Frozen with that feeling.

Here's the thing. I function REALLY well under extreme stress. To the point that when I'm not super stressed out...my body doesn't know how to work the right way. When something is truly wrong...I can handle it. I can handle it calmly and am the first to fix an emergency. Ask anyone that knows me. Serious problem? Katt's got it covered.

Minor issues, basic overall stress level? I'm a mess. My body LITERALLY doesn't know how to function in a way that isn't rush/panic mode. My adrenaline likes to kick into hyper drive for NO apparent reason.

It's like the sitcom you love...everything is going so well for all of the characters, must be time to add some drama.

This phenomenon creates a break between my body and my brain. My body is PANICKED. It doesn't know why. I don't know why. It just is. It is screaming "RUN! EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE! GO FIX IT. HURRY!"

Meanwhile my brain is sitting over here like "What the hell dude. Nothing is wrong. CHILL. For real...stop being such a drama queen."

Unfortunately...my brain and body don't communicate very well.

It creates this inner clash that confuses all of my senses. A horrible rush that will suddenly let down. And when it does...tears. Almost always. Let me remind you again...there is typically no reason for it. No logical explanation for why I freaked out in the first place, and nothing to "cry about." But when your body gets that massive shot of a hormone out of nowhere, and then it's just gone...there's a huge gap in your consciousness.

I usually get really foggy afterwards. Have a hard time concentrating, get really exhausted. The whole ordeal takes a lot out of a person.

Now what's my point of posting this?

Remember patience. We have no idea what battles other people are fighting internally. If you know someone who ever has a weird behavior and they tell you to leave them alone...do it. Have a conversation about it when they aren't actively going through it. Make sure you know what they need...so you can let them process in their own time.

It is so hard and so tiring when these things happen. It's remarkably hard to get moving again with any shred of sanity.

Just because you can't see it...doesn't mean it's not happening. Just because the person isn't huffing into a bag and rocking back and forth in a corner...doesn't mean they aren't struggling. A panic attack isn't what they show in the movies...where someone starts screaming and shaking. I've had a few that honestly just feel like a heart attack that lingers for ten minutes. Thank God the people in my life know by now...and give me time to reset.

Learn about each other. Patience.

Don't ever ever ever judge or chastise someone for something that you don't understand.

When PTSD is a real bitch

http://fox17.com/news/local/woman-dies-in-hermitage-house-fire-2-injured

I read this story today...and it rocked my world.

Arson, sugar in gas tanks, divorce...

This could have been us. It almost was.

Please say a prayer or put up some good thoughts for this family. These things happen so often. Don't be naive to think that they don't.

Don't miss the memo

Today...someone said that I needed to "stop pretending like I am perfect." Now. They didn't say this to my face...they said it in private to someone that is luckily a friend of mine.

What is INSANE about this...is that just moments before getting that message...I had written a post on Facebook about how I was a hot mess express with a one way ticket to Epic Failure.

Here's the deal guys...

if you have read this blog or my Facebook feed...

and you still think that I'm under the impression that I'm perfect...

you've been really missing the memo.

I. Am. A. Disaster.

As in...walk of fame...complete...utter...mess of a human...DISASTER

Some days I am Supermom. 

-I pack lunches, eat healthy, go to the gym, get my kid in bed on time, chat with my friends, pick up the groceries, clean the house, do homework, work my job, and work on my business.

(Oh my god. Did you believe that? I mean seriously did you? 

Because if you did...who the hell do you think I am?!)

That's not true at all. I can basically pick from like 5 of those things mentioned above. On a really good day...maybe 7. On a bad day? Ha. I sit in bed with Emma and watch Friends pretending like my world isn't crumbling around me.

Lately I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE that promote positivity and wellness and happiness...

...JUDGING THE CRAP OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE. 

They get up on these high horses and while masking it under a veil of "motivation" they basically say "my life is just as hard as yours, you suck because you can't keep up, try harder." 

I'm sorry (no I'm not). But WHAT THE HELL is that all about? 

You can be motivating with tough love...while still showing grace and love for your fellow mom (or woman/man/neighbor/whatever).

If you act like you never complain and are never negative and never have days that you suck at life...?

You're a big fat liar. 

End of story. 

You are so miserable with your life that you are making others feel worse because they aren't perfect.

Yup. I said it. 

Stop it.

Now...on that note and back to my original point...

Apparently I behave/speak in a way sometimes that makes people think that I am perfect (or that I think I am). I'm not 100% sure where that came from, although I am completely open to hearing ideas. Because that has never (and will never) be "my thing."

I SUCK. I mean. I do my best. I bust my ass on an (almost) daily basis. 

But I am still massively failing at this whole life thing. 

***Edited to add...this is NOT where I'm secretly hoping for comments about how great I am and how I don't suck and blah blah blah. I really don't want that. I just want to be SUPER clear here.***

We all suck. 

No seriously. 

We are all rockstars and we all suck at the same time. 

Confused yet?

Pay close attention here. I have strengths and weaknesses. Very clear ones.

• I am SO good at maintaining school and work. I am a professional. I work a full time job that I am damn good at...and I push myself to some stupid level with my schoolwork. Even when I feel like I'm drowning...I'm usually doing pretty well. I juggle well.

• I am a rockstar in my marriage. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for the man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I truly do my best to love the hell out of him. We make a conscious effort to spend at least one night a week together without kids or responsibilities. Because that's how our relationship is. It spent the first 16 months surviving on Skype and letters. We NEED time to be us. Now...it also needs to be said that I am a rockstar in my marriage...because my husband is Superman to me. I truly believe that he is a better man than I am a woman...and a better father than I am a mother. That is not being self deprecating...it is me striving to be the kind of woman he deserves. He makes me feel like I could walk on the sun unscathed. He is my kind of superhero. 

• I am the best friend that I can be. I'm not great at the day to day...but you can be damn sure that in a crisis I will be the first person next to you regardless of the circumstances. I am the friend that feels with you and hurts with you. But I'm also your biggest advocate...for any and all reasons. 

Now we hit the hard stuff. The stuff that it pains me to type. 

• I am not a great mom. I said it. (And again, please don't jump to my defense to make me feel better...acknowledging it is what I do to try and get better). I don't know what I'm doing. I am short tempered, and I do not spend the moments that I should soaking up the sweet little girl in the other room. I am constantly feeling guilt because I know damn well I'm not doing everything I could for her. She learns new things and it hurts me when I miss it. I hear about the great day she had with my husband and my heart breaks a little bit. Because when I spent the day with her two days before...I prayed for bedtime. I got stressed and angry when she acted like a toddler. And that sucks. I need to get better...and I am trying to get better. I wished so long for a child...and was so insanely blessed to get her...I need to be better. She deserves a mom who goes to the park instead of working. She deserves a mom who gets up and makes finger paints...instead of the one who struggles to get through one book. 

• I am not good at keeping up with my house. I am trying so hard...but the second I feel on top of things...I see more hair rolling across the floor. The office is a disaster, the garage is clean for two seconds, my car needs a massive cleaning. My laundry is piled up on my dresser 95% of the time. It makes me crazy, it adds to my anxiety...but I truly can't keep up. And the nights where I could be catching up...I'm sitting here writing instead.

• My business is struggling. It is struggling because I am struggling. I have grand plans, and things that I am trying so hard to do. But I don't seem to be doing the right things. It's a slow growth. But it's still growth. I am NOT doing everything I could be. I know this. It sucks...and I want to. But it's something I am terrible at. No matter how many times I recommit and feel the fire for it...it smothers itself.

• My biggest insecurity...my weight. My health in general. Now...I will say that as of the last week or so...I think I have finally hit a breakthrough. But this is a HUGE struggle for me. Now...I do fast food MAYBE once a month. And even that is probably pushing it. I meal prep weekly, I do my best to be active...but I gained about 50 pounds after Emma. It started as a hormone thing, and now nothing seems to be fixing it. It is so beyond frustrating...that it literally haunts my dreams and my thoughts during the day. I feel crappy all the time. Physically and emotionally. I get angry when I am seemingly doing all that I can...but nothing is happening. At the same time...I could be doing more. I choose not to because I have a limit. 

I AM NOT PERFECT. 

Even the good things in my life aren't perfect.

But you can be damn sure that when I feel like every stupid thing around me is falling apart...

I will do my best to put a positive spin on it. 

Because I have seen worse. And because there are too many people dealing with the same things that are too afraid to talk about it...or think that they are the only ones. 

Women who are fighting to put themselves through school while working: I see you. You can do it. It blows, it's exhausting, and it's OKAY to sit on the couch tonight and binge watch Netflix.

Females whose hormones took a whooping and can't loose the weight: I see you. You could join some workout club and lose the weight in 4 months, eating chickpeas and alfalfa sprouts. Or you could do your best to get yourself healthy slowly, and have cheat days where you eat Chipotle and a burger.

Moms who are pretty sure they suddenly weren't cut out for this motherhood thing, despite their planning: I see you. I don't care how much of a miracle, or how happy you are to be a mom...this shit is HARD. Some days it is literally impossible. Go be a Pinterest mom one day and watch your kid reenact Moana at 2 years old the next day. Do you.

Everyone who sees that one person on Faceook that has all their shit together and feels like shit because of it: I FREAKIN SEE YOU. Quick hint...that person doesn't have their shit together. Like...at all. They say they do to feel better. Only way to stop it? Be honest about you. Show allllllll those flaws of yours. Eventually people will understand that it's more fun to be an epic disaster than it is to be perfect.

Yea I said it. 

I'm an epic disaster. 

But it got me all this happiness and crap so it's gotta hold some merit right?

"Never miss a Monday"

There is no other phrase that irritates me more than..."never miss a Monday."

Usually because I see it used by online "inspirational coaches" that are really just guilting you into the fact that you didn't do your workout or you let another day go by not being Facebook perfect.

But here's the deal...I am a TERRIBLE mother/person/business owner/wife on Mondays. No seriously, I'm terrible. I am usually trying to pick up the pieces from the weekend, I'm working from home with a tantrum throwing toddler, and I barely move from the couch or wherever my work phone is.

I suck on Mondays. Today...Emma wore her pajamas all day until she covered herself in chili at dinner and I wiped her down just to put on another pair of pajamas. We didn't leave the house. I didn't work out. I ate whatever I wanted to and didn't brush my hair. I was entirely too tired to do anything to be honest...and by the time Emma went to bed, I had enough energy left for work or for a shower.

Part of that is my overall health. If you don't get it...lucky you. But until you've experienced this kind of exhaustion that you can't control...stop guilt tripping people for doing all that they can to get by.

Back to my original point. I have decided that I won't "miss a Monday" anymore. But I don't mean I will make sure my week is off to the *perfect* start. I mean...I will worry about self care on Mondays. I will never miss time feeling terrible because Monday didn't work out the way that I wanted it to. And I will start over on Tuesday. I will accept that Mondays suck around here for now and that not one person behind the endless inspirational quotes on Facebook is admitting their shortcomings. Life isn't that easy...ever.

Let's be honest

I'm currently sitting here struggling to write an 8-10 page paper on my ethical model...and decision making.

How do you write "my father was a jackass that I strive to be absolutely nothing like" into a paper?

What words do you use to explain that your "ethical model" is very simply...being a better parent than he was, being a better person than he was, and not hurting people.

Really. It's that simple.

Don't. Hurt. People.

That sounds asinine. But the assignment is to explain your ethical model...and that's really all I can come up with.

Well that and "don't be an asshole."

So here's to hoping my professor has not only a sense of humor...but also appreciates my attitude for what it is worth. Because I haven't held back before now and I don't plan to start now.

Living in calm

This is going to be short and sweet.

Tonight I had coffee with a friend who needed someone to talk to. I think we all forget too quickly that there are so many other people out there that need a sounding board...and that are dealing with similar situations. It's nice to remember that we aren't alone. And I speak for myself as well when I say that.

Anyways...I didn't get home until after 8 pm. And when I did...

Dishes were done
Laundry was running
Floors were swept
One child was ready for bed
Homework was done

The house was calm.

It reminded me of the simple things...and how lucky I am to have the marriage partnership that I do. It's not about the big gestures...it's about being able to take time for myself and others...and not worry about my home or kids. It's about having a long day and coming home to peace.

I spent half of my life living in chaos...and I will never take that serenity (or the man behind it) for granted.

The 20th of September

It's that stupid day again. The day of the year where no matter how great things are going in my life, and no matter how healed I feel..I suddenly revert back to a zombified idiot. I can't concentrate, I'm mad at the world for no logical reason and I just feel like the world is crashing down around me.

Now why is it that one day...the date of something...cause me to lose my mind? It doesn't make sense to a logical person. Nothing bad is happening today...no one is hurting me...but I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It happens every year. You think it would get better in time...everyone says it does at least. Yet here we are 5 years later and it still feels like it happened a matter of days ago.

Maybe it's because it's all at the forefront of my brain today, when on other days I am sometimes blessed enough to forget it all. Either way, I'm not a fan of the constant nagging reminder that this time 5 years ago...I could barely pull myself up off the floor.

Well let's be fair. I couldn't stop cooking or cleaning...and then I took off to an island for a week of vacation that I was barely conscious for.

Not exactly "healthy" coping mechanisms. Let alone things I could (or would) do now.

Real life conversation in my kitchen earlier:
Me- "I kinda want to go to the casino and make a lot of money. Simply so I can bet it on his birthday or something. That way...when I lose...I have another reason to be mad at him again."
...silence...
Me- "Is that unhealthy?"
Husband- "Yes..."

Here's the real deal. I don't have the answers. I am frustrated, I am still irrationally angry at my father, but I'm also remarkably hurt by the lost promises and the idea that I will never again get to talk to him. Then on the other hand...I still have no interest in talking to him, and I thank God daily that I no longer have to live in fear.

It's a strange thing living in fear. It's something that never leaves you. When it is that ingrained in your brain...and your body has spent 15 years watching every corner and every car that goes by...you don't really know how to turn it off.

I try to. But it sneaks up on me sometimes, and then leaves me reeling. I am relieved that I no longer have a logical fear associated with that panic moment. I am relieved that when I feel that way...I can honestly tell myself that he is gone, and has no ability to continuously terrorize me and the people that I love.

Then days like today hit. I find myself replaying the moments from hell over the years and getting angry. I am so pissed off that some man was able to put so many people through so much incredible pain. As a mother...I commend my mother for not burying the man in a shallow grave down by the river.

I digress. The man caused pain that can never truly heal...and for that I'm not sure I can ever really forgive him. He had no remorse for the things that he did or the lives that he ruined. He was so intensely mentally ill and addicted that he was a shell of a person. With no real feelings or thoughts that weren't controlled by substances.

So why do I miss him? Why do days like today hurt my heart, and why do the words "my father died" still make me nauseous? Why can I usually have a normal conversation about him and how the experiences shaped me for the better...but then on days like today I can't explain what the day is without tearing up?

It's September 20th. I guess you could call it my "dark day."

It's your life

It's funny how the past sneaks up on you. 

And I don't mean the cutesy drawings you find from your grade school days...or the kid you teased on the bus becoming your boss. I'm not talking basic irony. I mean the big stuff. The moments or the people that pop back up into your life like a bat out of hell. The moments that kind of make your heart skip...and make you wonder if you have made the right decisions for yourself and for your kids.

The last two years have been weird. I was given this amazing gift in our daughter...a gift I never thought I would get. At the same time I lost 3 of my best friends in this world...and it changed my world. On a daily basis I question if we've made the right decisions as a family...if I made the right decisions as a person.

It's been a doozy of a week. Hell...I take that back. A doozy month. A lot of information that my brain isn't quite equipped to handle. I am taking care of a million things, and trying to keep this house running on my own. I am killing myself at work and running myself ragged running my business at home. I am exhausted, and my brain is overflowing. I have so much that I want to do, and so many things I'm trying to accomplish.

Tonight I had to stop myself. I had to realize that I am doing my best and I need to give myself a break. I want to write more for my own sanity...I wish my house was cleaner. I wish I was more caught up on schoolwork, and I wish I was a better friend that paid more attention to what the people around me are going through.

But...

I HAVE TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP. 

The things in the last two years...have happened for a reason. If I have any hope of keeping myself and this family going over the next 9 months...I have to stop kicking myself when I'm down. I push myself to a breaking point...and then push a little harder just to see if I can handle it. I have aspirations that are likely out of my reach...but I am going to push to hit them anyways. I want our kids to have a better life...I want them to see people working hard for what they want.

So here's the deal. I'm a mom and a bonus mom...who aspires to be as close to Lorelei Gilmore as possible. I'm a business owner that keeps notes and reminders written on her hands...and then showers forgetting they are there. I'm a wife that has a ridiculous crush on her husband...but has an attitude that gives the poor man a run for his money. I'm a student that can't keep up with basic tasks, but can write a 10 page paper during an after dinner cup of coffee.

I'm a walking contradiction...and I'm not perfect. But I am working my ass off. I'm trying to avoid an existential crisis while still keeping everyone in this house alive. I have unrealistic expectations for myself...but I'm willing to work hard enough that unrealistic becomes a reality.

I'm beyond lucky to have a partner that supports my insanity.

And I'm so thankful for all of those pieces of my past sneaking up to remind me of that. I have all of the things that I wanted and talked about for years...the love, the home, the kids...everything. And if we don't slow down for a second and realize the good things we have...we're going to miss our lives flying by.

Here's to the exhaustion. 

To the very late nights and the frustrating days. 

The endless to do lists and the laundry pile that never stops growing. 

Here's to toddlers that rip apart what you did just moments before, and the husbands that want attention at the worst times. 

Here's to learning to love every moment of the chaos...because it's your life. 

And here's to loving yourself because you're doing the absolute best you can.

Reality check

This has to be included in my last post of frustration.

I could truly not be happier with the amount of love in my life.

Sometimes you have to reality check yourself. 

Sometimes you have to remind yourself of the amazing love that surrounds you.

It is what it is

For weeks I have been just surviving. I don't know what other way to put that...other than I have been just keeping my head above water.

That probably means nothing to you. A lot of people will take that as a "she just managed to get everything done in time." When to me it means "she just managed to get out of bed."

I don't know how to explain it. These things hit me...and they hit me hard. I have had multiple panic attacks almost every day for no reason. I'm snapping at my daughter, my immune system is tanking, and I haven't slept more than 4 hours in weeks.

My husband is gone for a few weeks. And I am struggling.

Here's the honest truth...and something that is really hard for me to admit. I am horrible when it comes to being alone. I'm all "Miss Independent" "I've got this" "watch me rock this." But then I get home, I put my daughter to bed...and I'm panic attack city.

Lately it's been everything. Sunsets, smells, songs...

I see my dad, I smell him, I hear him...and I can't function. My heart races, my body freezes up...I feel tears coming for seemingly no reason.

It is taking everything in me to keep moving. I don't know why...I hate it. I despise feeling this way, and my chest constantly feels heavy. But I feel like I can't breathe.

I want to be honest as I've always been. I don't know why my heart hurts lately. It's been years, and my life is better than it has ever been. It doesn't make sense for things to hurt right now...it doesn't make sense that my heart aches for someone who really never gave a shit.

But it does. Summers were the good times, or at least the easier times. The nights on the boat, the evenings running around the docks...the times my father started to act like a normal human being.

I don't know why it hurts. I don't know why I miss the lunatic that made my life hell for 20 years.

I do know that it hurts. And this year it feels worse than usual.

I miss my dad.

Not a damn thing is ever going to change that.

Maybe he is there

I spent the afternoon driving a route for our motorcycle ride on Sunday for Adamshine. Within two hours I was frustrated as the route we had planned was not safe for bikes...and I refuse to put anyone in a dangerous situation. I was driving circles trying to rewrite our route.

I came flying down a hill, irritated as it was my third "go" at trying to make it work and I was running out of options. It had been starting to rain, and I was drained.

The sun had tried to peak through...but not enough. I was feeling defeated.

As I came down the hill a James Taylor song came on. One I hadn't heard in years. I instantly felt my attitude change a little...and then I saw it.

Cascade.

I know that road like the back of my hand. I blew past it because I was trying to finish the route. I got to the next road we were supposed to turn down...and for the 40th time today...gravel. Road work. A big old NOPE in the bike world.

So I turned around. I went back to Cascade. And guys...the sun came out. It started SHINING.

I went down the road...and stopped on a bridge.

I lost it. Tears pouring.

The waterfall where I spread my father's ashes is just off of Cascade Road.

The route works through that road. It's the only one that isn't destroyed from winter plowing.

Today I was supposed to be on that road. He tried to tell me and I didn't listen.

So maybe he is there. Even when I fight it.

For the first time in any moment I can remember...I have to say thanks dad. I didn't expect that today. And it has me feeling things I had buried years ago.

The smell

It's the smell...the noise...the momentary lapse in your brain that you remember everything.

You remember the screaming and the hell. You remember all of the bad.

You don't know why the memories chose that moment to come through...but the reality is that they come back ten fold.

I was standing at the sink tonight when my dad's cologne came through. The window was open...but that was a smell I haven't experienced in over ten years. It came back STRONG. It made my heart beat a little faster, and my instant reaction was to check the back door. It made me nervous. It made me uncomfortable. It made me question everything in the house for a moment.

He's gone. Has been for years. But those triggers are very much alive.

There was no one there. Obviously nothing was wrong...the cologne was a figment of my own neurotic stress.

Never doubt someone when they talk about their triggers. You have no idea how easily a noise, smell, overall "feeling" can slam someone like a freight train.

It's been a rough few weeks.

Remind me

My dad's pictures hang in our upstairs hallway. I notice them EVERY time I walk by...and I consistently think about taking them down. 

What do I hope to accomplish by keeping them there? They hurt me. They remind me that there were these good moments despite the hell...and that is something that I continuously struggle with. How can there be good when there was that much bad? They remind me that I MISS HIM. They remind me that I want a dad. They remind me that some bullshit things happened when I was a kid.

But they also remind me that my kids have a dad. A dad that adores them with every fiber of him. A dad that works so hard to keep us all together and afloat. A dad that is fighting to get through school while doing everything else...just so that we can all live a great life. This man is showing his kids that when you work for things you want, they can happen.

Those photos remind me of where I came from. I came from a lot of scary situations. I came from a girl who was scared to trust anyone...but clung to everyone. 

And now I'm not that girl anymore. I have built a home with a man who is better than I could have hoped for. I have a beautiful bonus girl, and a miracle baby. I have everything I wanted and that much more. 

So I will leave the pictures. Because I am stronger because of them. I am stronger because of the man in them. I am unshakeable because I went through so much so fast.

He's still gone, it still hurts, I still wish I had a dad. It aches every day when I pass those pictures. 

But I'm okay. I have been able to survive so much because of the things that he did and the life that he lived. I have learned so much, and I have gotten to a place where I feel I can be a better parent because of him. 

And I will see him every day.

Inspired by hate

Recently I randomly saw someone that verbally came after me a few years ago...a person who actually inspired this post.

I was thrown off at first...and just went about things as if that person wasn't there. But it stuck in my mind...the hateful nasty messages from over 5 years ago. I even reread them out of curiosity to see if I had overacted (I hadn't by the way...they were pretty terrible). And I just felt...crappy.

But then I reread the post that was my response to the situation. I realized how strong the head on my shoulders was at that time. I was damned and determined to turn my life around. I was in a rough spot...newly separated...hurting...and I was trying so hard to find my own legs to stand on. I did it publicly...because I don't believe in the bullshit posts on Facebook about how "life is so amazing" when it's not. Y'all can choose to live that way if you choose...but I'm human. And I act like it.

I also realized in all this that I don't talk about the daily struggles anymore. Silly things like mini panic attacks when I see a Mitsubishi Galant, or the feeling of dread I get when one of my father's friends pops up in public like a bat out of hell. It still happens...and while I want to get it out of my head through writing...I just can't find the time.

Life is hard to juggle right now, grad school, work, husband in nursing school, running a business, kids, house...

But it's pretty awesome.

So I guess this is a thank you to the mystery woman who tried to tear me down years ago. You've yet again given me the inspiration to get back on this blog. Because it's people like you that try to silence those who are struggling. "It shouldn't be public," "that's your private information," "stop seeking attention."

Oh sweetie if I had a nickel...

I hope everyone who reads this page gets the courage to stand up and talk about bad things that have happened to them. Because anyone that has had to deal with abuse, manipulation, and hell...has been taught that you DON'T talk about those things. They've been taught by people like this woman telling them to be quiet about their "personal" information. Making them feel alone and helpless.

I don't care who is reading this. You're not alone. There is nothing wrong with talking about the things you have dealt with. It's healthy...and you should do whatever you need to do to help yourself heal. Ignore the assholes.