Remind me

My dad's pictures hang in our upstairs hallway. I notice them EVERY time I walk by...and I consistently think about taking them down. 

What do I hope to accomplish by keeping them there? They hurt me. They remind me that there were these good moments despite the hell...and that is something that I continuously struggle with. How can there be good when there was that much bad? They remind me that I MISS HIM. They remind me that I want a dad. They remind me that some bullshit things happened when I was a kid.

But they also remind me that my kids have a dad. A dad that adores them with every fiber of him. A dad that works so hard to keep us all together and afloat. A dad that is fighting to get through school while doing everything else...just so that we can all live a great life. This man is showing his kids that when you work for things you want, they can happen.

Those photos remind me of where I came from. I came from a lot of scary situations. I came from a girl who was scared to trust anyone...but clung to everyone. 

And now I'm not that girl anymore. I have built a home with a man who is better than I could have hoped for. I have a beautiful bonus girl, and a miracle baby. I have everything I wanted and that much more. 

So I will leave the pictures. Because I am stronger because of them. I am stronger because of the man in them. I am unshakeable because I went through so much so fast.

He's still gone, it still hurts, I still wish I had a dad. It aches every day when I pass those pictures. 

But I'm okay. I have been able to survive so much because of the things that he did and the life that he lived. I have learned so much, and I have gotten to a place where I feel I can be a better parent because of him. 

And I will see him every day.

Inspired by hate

Recently I randomly saw someone that verbally came after me a few years ago...a person who actually inspired this post.

I was thrown off at first...and just went about things as if that person wasn't there. But it stuck in my mind...the hateful nasty messages from over 5 years ago. I even reread them out of curiosity to see if I had overacted (I hadn't by the way...they were pretty terrible). And I just felt...crappy.

But then I reread the post that was my response to the situation. I realized how strong the head on my shoulders was at that time. I was damned and determined to turn my life around. I was in a rough spot...newly separated...hurting...and I was trying so hard to find my own legs to stand on. I did it publicly...because I don't believe in the bullshit posts on Facebook about how "life is so amazing" when it's not. Y'all can choose to live that way if you choose...but I'm human. And I act like it.

I also realized in all this that I don't talk about the daily struggles anymore. Silly things like mini panic attacks when I see a Mitsubishi Galant, or the feeling of dread I get when one of my father's friends pops up in public like a bat out of hell. It still happens...and while I want to get it out of my head through writing...I just can't find the time.

Life is hard to juggle right now, grad school, work, husband in nursing school, running a business, kids, house...

But it's pretty awesome.

So I guess this is a thank you to the mystery woman who tried to tear me down years ago. You've yet again given me the inspiration to get back on this blog. Because it's people like you that try to silence those who are struggling. "It shouldn't be public," "that's your private information," "stop seeking attention."

Oh sweetie if I had a nickel...

I hope everyone who reads this page gets the courage to stand up and talk about bad things that have happened to them. Because anyone that has had to deal with abuse, manipulation, and hell...has been taught that you DON'T talk about those things. They've been taught by people like this woman telling them to be quiet about their "personal" information. Making them feel alone and helpless.

I don't care who is reading this. You're not alone. There is nothing wrong with talking about the things you have dealt with. It's healthy...and you should do whatever you need to do to help yourself heal. Ignore the assholes.