New reality

I’ve been thinking so much lately and I’ve been really hurt. I’ve been so overwhelmed. I went to a friend the other day, hoping for comfort…and for someone that understood what I’d been through. I really trusted this person, we grew up in similar situations…and I feel like I can say anything to him. We had a great friendship…and he’s been a huge part of my support system. I trusted him like I trust my family.

                I have a great husband, a great family, and great friends. I know I can talk to all of them about anything. But it’s hard when it really seems like no one understands. It’s next to impossible for them to understand, and a lot of times I feel like I’m alone. I fall into these funks where I just want to be left alone…and I don’t want to talk to people. When I get to that point I get more frustrated talking to people who haven’t been in my situation. They always seem to say the wrong thing and assume things that aren’t true. It’s not their fault…they try to help. But it makes me crazy…and it was nice to finally have someone that understood my experiences.

                Well I was having a bad night. I called him and said I needed someone to talk to. We talked for hours…until I realized that he was not someone I could trust. I thought for sure he was trustworthy. And now, I’m questioning everything. It threw my mind off completely. I am upset, I am hurt…and I’m seeing that I may not be quite as together as I think I am. I thought I was learning to trust again, and I thought I was making good decisions.

                But now I really don’t know. I guess this is part of learning and growing. Accepting that there will always be times where I don’t make good decisions. Accepting that I do have the “daddy syndrome”. Accepting that I trust people when I shouldn’t, and I’m not always the best judge of character. My reality is off and I’m a little uncertain.