Chaos

These past few weeks have been hard. Ridiculously hard. I feel like everything in my life went from picture perfect…to completely torn apart. I am fighting harder than I ever have to keep my head above water…and keep myself going.

                It’s strange…I’m watching some of my closest friends go through life changing things right now. And they’re having a hard time dealing right along with me. But even as I’m struggling…I’m more concerned about them. I’m being my usual self and trying to fix everything for everyone else before worrying about myself. I don’t think I’m ready to deal with my own stuff…it’s some strange defense mechanism…helping others to keep myself busy.  

                I’ve noticed something. I have moments where I fall apart and can’t imagine how I’m going to make it through all of this. I get so negative and I worry way too much. But then when my friends are having a breakdown…I have this renewed sense of positivity.

                I’m going to make everything ok. I don’t know how I’m going to do it…but I’m going to get myself back. My dad died…I didn’t. I’m still here, and I’m still so young. I can do whatever I want to with my life.

                So many people tell me I’m strong. And even though I know that I am…I doubt my abilities sometimes. I’m so used to being superwoman. The girl who fixes things for everyone else…and I’m not sure how to fight for myself.

                I’m having a hard time writing tonight. So much going through my head…I feel like it’s going to explode. I’m flying through these “stages of grief”…all while not grieving. I know that doesn’t make sense…but I’ll explain it another time when my thinking is clearer.

                I can do this. And I need to keep reminding myself that. There are so many things I need to write about…about the restraining order, the pictures, music that keeps reminding me of things…hell, even about the encounter I had a few nights ago that set me back quite a bit. But right now my head is a little foggy and I could use some sleep.