Panic attacks and a seance

I have had an insane amount of anxiety over the last few days. I was thinking that it had something to do with how busy I’ve been and how many things I have coming up in the near future. But
I’m starting to think that it has nothing to with all of the things that are stressing me out.

                I’m about to talk about something that a lot of people are going to either A) Ignore, B) Think I’m crazy, or C) Think I’m just making it up. About 2 weeks ago I went with a friend to a séance. For those of you that don’t know what that is…it’s basically a group of people run by mediums, that contact the dead. Now trust me, my first reaction was that it was all going to be a load of crap, but it was something for me to do on a Friday night. I’m a psychology major, I study the brain, and how to analyze it…so while watching this woman go around and talk to people, I was trying to prove that it was all fake.

                I sat through the circle, and watched other people receive their readings from the medium that was working with us. And honestly, it felt like crap. She was digging for information, and then playing off of people’s reactions. I could have predicted the things that she would say…and I shut myself off from believing. She got to me, did my reading, and honestly I didn’t feel anything. However there was another medium that got my attention earlier on…so I decided to stay afterwards and talk to her.

                What happened next really kind of scared me. She asked me who I wanted to hear from, and I showed her my father’s picture. As she did her reading, I was very careful in my responses and body language because I wanted to know for sure whether or not it was fake. Right off the bat she told me that she felt large amounts of pain, and not just because of his death. She said there was a deeper pain there, that something had clearly been very very wrong. She looked at me and asked if I was sure I wanted to contact him, and I said yes and asked her why. She said that he had tried to contact me, and that every time I thought about him, it was him trying to contact me. But that I had been completely closed off, and that I wasn’t receiving any of his messages. She said that he knew I was way too angry to speak to him…and then she said that in her mind…I had every right to be. She said he was horrible, and he had done some terrible things…and my anger was clearly justified.

                I was still skeptical. And then she channeled him again, and she asked me a very simple question from him. She asked me why I hadn’t spread his ashes. I almost fell out of my chair. I didn’t tell her when he died, that he had been cremated, let alone that I hadn’t had the strength to scatter his ashes yet. There was no way for her to guess that. I was absolutely amazed, and started to trust in the things she was saying.

                As she continued, she said that my father was basically talking her ear off. She said it was hard to get what he was saying because there was just so much of it. She went on and on about different things, and one thing she kept telling me was that he wasn’t mad at me. He wanted to justify everything that had happened (shocking) but that she was getting the feeling that he had been very sick. However her next comment made me go from tears to laughter. She said that he was very mentally sick, and that his mind was never in the right place. She told me that he was warning me to be very careful, because it was a family problem…and it was all hereditary. I must say…I think I already knew that…

                As she continued to channel him, she told me that he was starting to piss her off. She essentially told him that he needed to leave me alone, and that I would contact him when I was ready to talk to him again. She said the main thing he kept trying to get across was that I needed to spread his ashes…for myself and for him. She said she kept seeing a picture in her head of a black shelf…with a box, a picture, and a candle. Ironic considering his ashes are on a black bookshelf in my living room…next to his picture and a candle. She then asked me if I had any questions for him…and I said all I wanted to know was whether or not he did it. She tried to clarify what I meant…and I told her that he would know.

                She looked at me and asked if I was really ready for that answer…was it something I really wanted to know. I told her I did…and before she answered the question she told me that the second I asked that question…she felt an extremely heavy weight that made her want to fall over. She said it was an overwhelming yes.

                Now I’ve always known that my father set the fire. Since the day it happened I knew he was guilty. But he never went to court and was never convicted…and he denied responsibility until the day he died. Hearing the final admission of guilt was a lot to me.

                But anyways…I’ve been getting this anxiety lately…my PTSD has been kicking in full force. I’ve been doing really well with it all until these last few days. They’re strange little panic attacks…and happen at completely random times. My chest tenses up, and I get a very overwhelming feeling of negativity. It’s hard to explain but I just get this feeling that something very bad is about to happen…and the feeling lasts for a few minutes. It gets overwhelming sometimes.

                After talking to the medium…I think I know why. It’s time to scatter the ashes. It’s a constant reminder in my house…and I think these feelings I’m getting are my father trying contact me in some way. It’s past time to get them out of the house and send him on his way. The more I hold on to him in a physical sense, the more he’s going to haunt my thoughts.