March 27th, 2012

March 27^th…it’s a Tuesday. I have the day off because I’ll be in Florida. Sounds like a beautiful time…vacation like. But instead I have a feeling it’s going to be the start of one of the hardest weeks in my life. Hard to believe after what the past year has brought on…but nevertheless.

                I’ve made a decision to go to Florida to watch my father’s trial. I’m not sure if I’m being self-destructive…or if it’s going to give me the closure I’ve been needing. I’m hoping that finally seeing him in custody will give me some sense of peace. Sentencing should bring a feeling of safety…that it’s finally all over.

                Don’t get me wrong. I’ll be a mess. Nothing about that week is going to be easy…I’m sure it’s going to be an absolute nightmare. Days filled with listening to people talk about how insane my father is, and the terrible things that he’s done. While I know most of it already…there’s going to be a lot of hate in that courtroom…and I’m not sure I’m prepared to be surrounded by it. But this is something I need to do. I need to prove to myself that I can handle it…and I need to prove to him that I’m not afraid of him. That he hasn’t destroyed me, and will never be capable of doing so.

                I need some kind of closure. Something that says it’s finally all over. The past 14 months have been hell…and I’m sick of it being in my face all the time. I’m sure going down there will just spark conflict with everyone involved…but I need to do this for me. And I’m sure there will be people there who hate me…for something I had nothing to do with. But that’s okay. This situation was never my fault…and the decisions he made had nothing to do with me.

                I hurt for all of the people involved. I hurt for everyone who’s ever been hurt by him. And I hurt for my siblings who have to grow up in the wake of what he’s done. But at the same time I’m thankful. Thankful that no one was seriously hurt on that night last year. Thankful that I’m still alive, and so is everyone else he’s ever targeted. And thankful that my siblings don’t have to see him, or be involved in his life. I’m thankful that there will finally be safety for a lot of people…hopefully permanent safety.

                No child wants their parent in prison. At least no normal child does. But I do. It’s time for something to be done to protect him and others. He’s not okay to be in society…he’s not sane. I wish he was…more than anything I wish my dad was like any other guy I’ve met. But he’s not…thank you reality for that check.

                I like to torment myself I think. I just googled his name…(who knows why…I knew it would upset me)…and one of the first picture results that pops up…is his mugshot from that night. It truly amazes me just how much it hurts seeing that. You would think it would start to wear on you…and would eventually get easier to process. But it doesn’t. Not at all actually. It’s like a knife to the chest…takes your breath away and makes your heart stop for a quick second. Makes you this strange combination of dizzy and nauseous. Kind of like hitting the very top of a roller coaster…it’s absolutely terrifying no matter how many times you’ve done it. Unfortunately…there’s no fun part afterwards in this case.

                I’ve got a good support system…I really do. And I’m hoping that the end of this month will finally give me a little peace. It can all finally be done and over with. It’s amazing how crazed my brain has been lately…and I’m ready for a break.