Isolation only helps evil

So I actually pushed this week's post to this because my brain needed a damn break. I started getting deep into something and realized I was in no way ready to deal with it on little sleep and hormone waves. Instead I dropped deep into the recent communications I've been getting.

The number of calls, messages, and texts I get every time I start posting again should be studied.

• "I had no idea that was happening." (I mean don't feel bad. The entire county court and child protective services missed it too).
  
  
• "Girl...are you okay...that's a lot." (Uhhhhh.. That's not even that much. Stop reading for your own mental health...trust me).
  
  
• "That's not funny though." (Yes. It is. I promise...it took tens of thousands of dollars in therapy for it to be funny...but let it go).
  
  
• "Oh so that's why you're like that." (You actually DON'T EVEN KNOW).
  
  
• "I think I should have done more for you." (Beauty in this comment...is no one could have. These were things I needed to learn on my own).
  
  
• "Sometimes I read things you post and I think it is a made up story. I'm not saying you're lying, I don't believe that, but I read it and it surprises me so much that it doesn't seem real." (Welp. I know you know it's real. But the cool part is I also spent the last 12 months gathering all of the court documents I could to prove it). 
  
  
• "I don't get why you keep bringing up all the stuff that doesn't matter anymore. I support you, but I don't get it." (This one pissed me off at first, and then I cooled down. So I will leave it with this. It DOES matter. It matters...because of this dumbass commentary. Someday someone will read this and they will stop hiding...hopefully you won't be there).

And my personal favorite last week:

• "Hey- I don't want to be offensive. I went through some things when I was little. Do you use AI or other programs to write your posts or book stuff?" (No, it's not AI. Never has been, never will be. Everything featured here is unfiltered and frustrated me. Sometimes, slightly wine fueled me. Because that's the one time I can trust myself to say exactly what I'm thinking fully).

FOR THE RECORD:

If your message was featured here please don't take it as a bad thing. I'm actually kind of proud that so many people close to me (or not) were clueless as to what was going on. Means I'm pretty badass. 

But also. It happened. 

Every damn piece of it.

I had to live it. 

And I had to heal from it so I could raise my family in a better situation.

I will fully admit in any post or any writing if I don't remember something clearly. I understand the psychology behind trauma and memories (in fact, I studied it specifically). You will see me state that the details are blurry...but what I remember is...

However...there are some things and details that will never leave you. 

And unfortunately I have a lot of those when it comes to my father. 

I hid way too much for way too long. 

It's a large part of the reason I am so damn loud about all the things that happened before. 

NO ONE deserves to live hiding the things that I did. No one should feel weird about talking about it to their friends, their family, the person they're dating. I have always been decently vocal about my history...but it wasn't until the last year or so that I have fully opened the flood gates to include everything I can get my hands on. It may be the first or second time we have met...but if it comes up...I'm not hiding details. 

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to."

What I will say:

And please take this as possibly your last warning. (Family, I'm talking to you). 

Things are only going downhill. The worst hasn't even started. In fact, sometimes I'm still struggling to get back to the worst parts of things. I'm not sure I'll ever fully unearth all of it. In fact...I'm relatively certain there are things that I will take my grave.

Please let that be your warning. Because I can't handle your grief over learning these things...on top of the grief and pain that I'm going through to tell the stories in the first place. 

I laugh. I write. I make jokes over horrific things. But there is still a toll that it takes. Digging through this stuff is stifling and like 5 therapy sessions all at once. 

I can not make you feel better about something I lived. 

(I mean don't get me wrong...I will.
But please don't put that responsibility on me).

On a final note...to not end it that way...for everyone else:

If you have a story. Please do tell it. Stop hiding things because they make other people uncomfortable. We all seem to hit this place where we stop talking to make sure that the people around us are comfortable.

Honestly. Think about it. When was the last time you were telling a story and you stopped talking...or diverted because you realized it was maybe getting a little "too dark." Or you changed details to make it easier to stomach to the average Joe?

My final question...

Why do we keep verbally changing what is uncomfortable in our lives
just to make it comfortable for everyone else? 

Someone else in the world is experiencing what you are now. And they are terrified to speak. If neither of you ever speak...who will?

Isolation only helps evil.